I wrote this awhile ago…found it in the archives of my musings and it just brought an immediate smile to my face, so I felt the need to post it. Going back to my past writings is always a solid confirmation that I’ve grown, I’ve learned, and I know myself better than I sometimes think I do- all good things.
I had pretty much given up hope that anyone would want to date me right around mid senior year of high school. I think the biggest reality check was when I had to ask three guys to prom before someone finally said yes. Needless to say that I had watched enough Disney movies and rom coms by the time I was 18 to ruin me for a lifetime. Granted, I’d waited for a prince all those years and then as a senior, I finally had to take the bull by the horns and save myself if I wanted to have a date to prom.
I finally was asked on a real live date just after I graduated high school. We dated through mid summer when we parted because I was leaving for college. College kind of started everything over for me- I went three years before I found a relationship again. Not from lack of trying, just from lack of experience. And lack of willingness to participate in…age-expected activities, one shall say. I think that’s what ultimately ended their interest the quickest- which tells you the kind of guys I was attracted to.
I have found that my romantic relationships seem to have one common factor that ends them. It hasn’t mattered if the man was wonderful or terrible; the end of the relationship has always come about because at the end of the day, I’ve realized how strong I am on my own- and they had not seen this in me. Perhaps I hadn’t shown it to them. Ultimately, I have been molded into an idea rather than accepted for what I am. We all project, though, don’t we? I’m guilty of forming men into my ideal mate as well. I’ve mistaken someone who travels often for the crazy adventurer. I’ve mistaken outspokenness for creativity and outside the box. I’ve mistaken the 8-5 desk job individual for persistence and a go-getter. I’ve mistaken need for want. Is this something THEY led ME to believe? No- this was something I wanted from them and so that is what they became to me. I’m not ashamed by this- I have learned from all of the experiences. I am able to recognize when I’m doing it. I’m able to do the right thing sooner.
I can only assume that my independence came about from years of having to figure it out by myself, years without having to make decisions with someone despite that I was watching the exact opposite in the movies. I am grossly independent. This is not to say that I can’t compromise, or that I am unable to put someone before myself. On the contrary, I would lay down my life for those I love. However, I need that in return. I need someone who is fiercely independent and adventurous, who doesn’t need me along for their adventures in life but who wants me with all their heart. Who can make their own choices and has fought their own battles in life but is also willing to concede their point and can help me fight my own obstacles when it just gets too damn hard- as it sometimes can. Who can get me to take risks, but who can protect me from the wrong ones.
I’ve always felt that I would “know.” I realize that, that sounds ridiculous to a lot of people. I’ve gotten pretty wrapped up in the search sometimes. Looking and hoping that each guy I dated was going to be it. I’ve compromised my own beliefs a time or two- made mistakes and was untrue to my needs…but I always come back to myself. Give myself a mental slap in the face and say “you’re an idiot.”
I’m not always proud of myself- I’m not proud of how I’ve handled some things or how I’ve made others feel. I’ve been told that I’m being too picky or expecting too much. That life isn’t a fairytale. To them I say…I know. I know that I’m picky and selfish and I’ve ended relationships with perfectly good people. You know what? This is my life. I may seek what you think is the impossible, but I would rather live my life searching for impossible than settle for anything less. If I don’t find it, then I don’t find it. I love myself and that will never change- with or without a man. But if I do find it- if I find that once in a lifetime love, well, then it was worthwhile no matter how long it took.
Given how my life is, I think that the right romantic relationship will come with a great challenge- my closest relationships have generally been put to the test in very dramatic, open and obvious ways and those are what make them so solid. They have been managed through distances and illnesses and death. Huge hurtles- tests that a lot of relationships can’t survive. That only the right relationships can come out of on the other side broken and beaten, but not over- never over. I realize that logic is completely against something like this happening. But then, I can’t say that any of my relationships are very logical. They are built on something more solid than logic- they are built upon impossibility and serendipity. I’m willing to bet that some of your relationships are as well.
Once you accept that you too can make the impossible, possible, there is nothing that you are unable to survive.